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90′s Preservation Society: Mighty Ducks Fantasy Draft

 

This is a post that originally appeared around two years ago at the now-defunct 90′s Preservation Society. Since we’re deep into the first round of Stanley Cup Playoffs, I figured it was appropriate to repost. In it, Pedro and I conduct a Mighty Ducks fantasy draft. In retrospect, we probably should have done it snake style instead of playground style, since my team is stacked. Enjoy.

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After spending an inordinate amount of time watching Mighty Ducks clips on YouTube, Pedro and I sat down to hammer out a Ducks-inspired fantasy draft. The Mighty Ducks franchise, three movies in all, are known for establishing the primacy of the human spirit in determining hockey outcomes. The results are posted below.

FIRST ROUND: BOBO PICKS FULTON REED / PEDRO PICKS GUNNER STAHL

Bobo: I knew that Fulton Reed would be a controversial first pick, with Gunner Stahl standing there, his long blonde hair flowing like the waters of a majestic fjord, but I couldn’t pass on the combination of size, aggression, slapshot, and American-ness. Fulton Reed has the elite size and power you want in an enforcer while still being a 50-goal threat. I don’t regret the pick.

Pedro: Big mistake letting Gunner fall to #2. An Icelandic legend blessed by the hand of Odin himself, Gunner was the leading scorer in the 1994 Junior Goodwill Games and the first man to shake Charlie Conway’s hand after the US’ shootout upset. His rare combination of raw ability, work ethic and class make him a sure finalist for the Hart and Lady Byng trophies for many years to come. If there isn’t a statue of Gunner Stahl somewhere in Iceland, I’m building it.

SECOND ROUND: BOBO PICKS ADAM BANKS / PEDRO PICKS DEAN PORTMAN

Bobo: No controversy here. Despite the injury risk, the cake eater is a steal at #3. He is an elite talent in pretty much every category, including being preppy and rich. A consummate professional who handled a midseason trade from the Hawks with poise and class, #99 will likely be the Captain of this team and a virtual lock for the Hart. The pick feels even better knowing that Pedro panicked this same round and reached for the “other Bash bro.”

Pedro: I hate making a defensive pick in the second round, but I couldn’t risk letting Bobo reunite the Bash Brothers. Portman offers the physical presence needed to keep Fulton Reed in check and protect my skill players. Plus his bandanas are way sweeter than Fulton’s.

THIRD ROUND: BOBO PICKS JULIE GAFFNEY / PEDRO PICKS RUSS TAYLOR

Bobo: At this point I’m starting to feel bad about picking first each round, that’s how sick I think my team is. Julie “The Cat” Gaffney is by far the best goalie available in the draft and a value pick at #5. The fact that she has experience against Stahl is a big plus and the fact that she’s smoking hot is just gravy.

Pedro: A unique blend of inner-city toughness and skill moves make him a valuable asset. Given Gunner’s dependence on the Triple Deke and Bobo’s wise choice of Julie “The Cat” Gaffney, Russ’ knuckle puck provides the shootout conversion that my team needs. His stealthy ability to change into full goalie pads during a 60 second timeout may also prove useful in the third period of a tight game when the other team is gunning for him.

FOURTH ROUND: BOBO PICKS LUIS MENDOZA / PEDRO PICKS DWAYNE ROBERTSON

Bobo: 3.6 seconds. That’s the amount of time it takes for the Miami speedster to go coast to coast, put it in and steal your girlfriend. Now that he knows how to stop, there’s no telling how far he can go.

Pedro: Maybe a stretch pick, but I can’t resist his southern charm. Impulsive and caring to a fault, Dwayne will go to any length to protect his teammates. Will be a boon to the team’s locker room dynamics. Also, he’s the only player ever to get called for Roping.

FIFTH ROUND: BOBO PICKS GUY GERMAINE / PEDRO PICKS GREG GOLDBERG

Bobo: Not the flashiest of the Ducks, but an all around talent and locker room glue guy – recall that in the first movie, the players all wanted Guy to take the final shot against the Hawks, but Gordon Bombay decided to let his boyfriend Charlie take the shot. Not to mention that his name alone adds a crucial amount of French Canadian to my team. Do I smell an oreo line strategy brewing?

Pedro: Goldberg’s positional eligibility (goalie and defenseman) is a rare benefit to the team. His ability to clear out the trash as a penalty kill specialist should come in handy after Dean Portman steps up the physical play.

SIXTH ROUND: BOBO PICKS KEN WU / PEDRO PICKS GORDON BOMBAY

Bobo: Wu is a former Olympic skater who, along with Mendoza, will form the fastest wing tandem in hockey history. Pedro’s pick of Bombay is either the worst or best pick of the draft – I’m still undecided.

Pedro: Injury prone, but huge upside potential if he can stay healthy. A leading junior scorer, pro prospect and (Junior) Goodwill Games coach, Gordon is the complete package. Plus he only became a coach after getting pulled over for drunk driving, so you know he likes to have a good time.

SEVENTH ROUND: BOBO PICKS JESSE HALL / PEDRO PICKS LESTER AVERMAN

Bobo: Yup, it’s an oreo line strategy. Hall’s combination of athletic talent and fearless attitude are a welcome addition to the team. The gap between my team and Pedro’s widens even further after Pedro uses his seventh pick to take a comedian instead of adding some much needed scoring.

Pedro: Jesse Hall? Really? Such a cake eater. Another locker room favorite, Lester’s quick wits will help keep the team loose. Without a strong history of offensive power, it’s unclear why he didn’t step into the assistant coaches role with the game against Iceland on the line.

EIGHTH ROUND: BOBO PICKS TERRY HALL / PEDRO PICKS HANS

Bobo: Probably could have gotten Terry off waivers, but it’s worth a reach to make sure that the oreo line is complete. Considering Pedro took a dead guy this same round, it sort of feels like a free pick. I immediately regret typing that. I’m sorry Hans.

Pedro: Equipment manager, mentor and friend. His spiritual leadership and third period jersey deliveries will guide us through the darkest nights. RIP Hans.

NINTH ROUND: BOBO PICKS CONNIE MOREAU / PEDRO PICKS CHARLIE CONWAY

Bobo: It was only a matter of time before Conway was picked. Glad it wasn’t me. Still, if he stops being a bitch there is undeniable upside. Connie here feels sort of ho-hum, but she will help to neutralize Dwayne Robertson and will provide a morale boost to Guy Germaine.

Pedro: Charlie’s hallmark inconsistency (star in D1 and D3, but didn’t even dress for the finals in D2) let him fall to the ninth round. That said, his leadership and hot mother should improve the team dramatically.

TENTH ROUND: BOBO PICKS OLAF SANDERSON / PEDRO PICKS MICHELE MCKAY

Bobo: Using the tenth pick to round out my defense with the Goodwill Games’ most notorious and controversial enforcer? Well worth it. At this point I’m pleased with what I’ve assembled, although in retrospect I wish I had a little bit more size. Since Pedro treated the whole draft as a joke, though, I should be ok.

Pedro: She’s hot, and Gordon Bombay might stray without her charms on our side. Plus she was all like “EMILIOOOOOO!”

Bobo’s Team:

  • Fulton Reed (A)
  • Adam Banks (C)
  • Julie Gaffney
  • Luis Mendoza
  • Guy Germaine (A)
  • (Wu, Wu, Wu) Kenny Wu
  • Jesse Hall
  • Terry Hall
  • Connie Moreau
  • Olaf Sanderson

Pedro’s Team:

  • Gunner Stahl (A)
  • Dean Portman
  • Russ Taylor
  • Dwayne Robertson
  • Greg Goldberg
  • Gordon Bombay (A)
  • Lester Averman
  • Hans
  • Charlie Conway (C)
  • Michele McKay

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